when danielle re-re-examines the alex scenario, and once again falls back into obsessing endlessly and needlessly over the entire thing.

who am i kidding? this is like every day of my life. and since when did it become “the alex scenario”? that is:

a. a horrible title

and

b. completely unnecessary.

fucking alex, man.

(at least i can take solace in the fact that my disdain for him seems to increase along with the length of time since i last saw him. or i’m trying to convince myself of that, anyway.)

OH: before i begin. i may or may not have (a few months ago) attempted to write a short story (that ended up being total fabio romance novel smut) in which the male love interest was named alexander. because. you know. that’s not fucking obvious.

i hid it in a box somewhere and it will never see the light of day again. EVER.

ever since i applied to SFSU (so, back in august) i’ve been dwelling on it. what if i see him? it’s been two fucking years. what if i fucking see him?

it will be the last time i saw him, two years ago, all over again. that awkward horribleness of my heart dropping into my stomach and me smiling at him, him nodding at me, and us walking right past each other.

i keep panicking because i think i see him. every guy that walks by me in a fucking plaid shirt and shaggy black hair, and my heart is in my stomach all over again.

the worst part is the mix of fear and excitement. because i can’t decide which i feel more strongly when i realize it’s not him: the relief or the disappointment. 

and i just feel like the worst girlfriend. the worst.

michael is adorable and perfect and thoughtful and every single fucking thing alex never was. and yet i find myself looking for excuses to get off the phone, pretending to forget to call him.

over a fucking figment of my goddamn imagination. my freaking delusions that alex ever felt anything for me ever. 

and every time i think that to myself, i start coming up with justifications. there’s no way my feelings were unrequited, right? i mean, sure, he’s a total asshole, but he was there for you, wasn’t he? 

all of the time we spent together, every moment of it was real, wasn’t it? this person, who, upon hearing michael and i broke up, immediately declared he would spend the day cheering me up and getting my mind off of it. we spent the rest of the day laying on his tiny twin-size dorm bed, watching tv and talking. at some point he looked at me, with his stupid grin that was both sheepish and mischievous, and said “now we can tell people we slept together”.

he used to nap on my bed between classes. i’d end up making him food. the last time it happened, he sat up, tried to fix his hair, and grinned again. this time it was “i have after-sex hair, what will people think?”

why am i doing this to myself? i know this thought path never leads anywhere productive. it’s self-destructive and beyond stupid. but i just can’t even help myself.

alex always had that effect on me. he’s like a fucking drug. i haven’t even seen him in over two fucking years, haven’t even spoken to him in three, and i am still obsessing over him.

i don’t even know where he is. he could be back home in sacramento, he could be in san francisco, he could be in hell for all i fucking care.

the last time we spoke, he had wanted to come over again. at this point, michael and i were back together. alex had just recently broken up with angie, which infuriated me to no end. (seriously, he couldn’t have fucking done that when i was single?? asshole.) i think it was finals week? he had followed me out after class.

“hey,” he said. “i have a break for a few hours. can i crash at your place?”

i had been preparing for this moment. over the course of our friendship (relationship? whatever the fuck it was), i had always caved. he knew i couldn’t stay mad at him. he knew i couldn’t say no to him. he knew, because i had told him this.

but this time i was ready. i stopped walking abruptly. “no, alex. you can’t.”

i will never forget his look of bewilderment. “what? why not?”

“i have to study, and i’m just really busy today. sorry.” and i walked away from him.

he just stood there, looking perplexed.

that was the last time i spoke to him.

it’s stupid, isn’t it? but i’m really proud of it. even though michael and i had gotten back together, we were still having a lot of problems. even with all of his flaws, alex had the one quality that michael had lacked in that moment: emotional availability. and i sincerely believe that, had i not put my foot down that day, i would have ended up cheating on michael. i’m proud because i had seen it coming, and i had ultimately rejected it. i rejected alex. which is fucking hard to do when you can’t say no to a person.

i feel like maybe i’m not always this honest about how significant alex was to me. but it was like a fucking break up. it really felt that way. and i think i spend a lot of time trying to pretend he meant nothing to me because he meant so extremely much. and i fucking hate it. i can’t even tell you the number of entries in my diary that say things like: “i fucking hate you, alex. i fucking hate you.” or “i hate you, alex nakashima. you are a menace to society and a plague on this earth.”

i am not joking. those are exact quotes.

and i still feel those things just as strongly as i ever did. because he is the motherfucking bane of my existence. 

again:

i feel like a horrible, shitty girlfriend. and i think i would die if michael ever found out.

and sometimes i feel like i should just tell him everything.

but then how much would that fucking hurt him?

and is it even worth it? because i never acted on my feelings for alex, and for the majority of it i was single, anyway. 

but i also told alex i had feelings for him. which i have never told anybody before. but at this point i was back together with michael. which i know is really shitty! but i said it in the past tense, as in “i used to have a major crush on you”, even though i was still totally in love with him at the time.

so okay yes, i had feelings for him while i was with michael, but you can’t just turn your feelings off. i had developed these feelings while single, and i got back together with michael because i knew alex was totally wrong for me, and i knew i loved michael and wasn’t willing to give up on our relationship yet, but i can’t just pretend alex never happened.

ugh.

at this point these sound like really weak excuses. i just. feel like shit. and like the absolute worst person on the fucking planet.

michael is fucking amazing. you guys don’t even know. and i am a shitty human being.

and reminding myself about michael yodeling in switzerland doesn’t even help, because alex would have done that for me, too. FUCK WHY DO I DO THIS BRAIN JUST SHUT UP.

i am the absolute fucking worst. seriously if i end up running into alex i will have a fucking panic attack.

this is really long and ramble-y and i don’t even fucking care if anyone reads it, i just feel like this stuff needed to be said. it’s been weighing really heavily on me for the past few weeks and at least with it in writing i can better examine how i’m feeling. sorry.