secret-sharing time!: because sleep is over-rated!

so i’m really bad at talking about my feelings with michael. (anyone actually.) i don’t mean all feelings, i mean mostly just the love-type feelings.

partly this is because i’m really just not eloquent at all. AT ALL. so i’m like “herp derp derp” when what i’m trying to say is “insert something really eloquent here”. (i can’t even fake it, what is my life?)

partly i feel like maybe this is a good thing. we say “i love you” with so much regularity that maybe it’s lost its meaning. (like “awesome”.) 

but then also it brings us back to danielle just having so many goddamn walls around her that she’s spent years and years constructing because of angsty reasons i don’t really feel like enumerating right this moment. maybe later. it’s an entertaining story, i can guarantee that much.

the point is i can’t ever articulate what it is i am feeling because i am not eloquent, and also because i feel my feelings so intensely that i just start crying. in the words of kristen bell: “if i’m not between a 3 and a 7 on the emotional scale, i’m crying”. which is just so much the story of my life. last time i tried to actually say the exact words i was feeling at michael, i pretty much choked up and said something more like “I JUST THINK YOU’RE REALLY GREAT OKAY!??!”

which just. doesn’t do justice to the person who spent two years of his life dealing with you being suicidal. it just does not. and i really wish i could. eloquence y u escape me???!?

basically my phone ringtone is always set to some song that pretty much articulates everything i feel about him. it is mortifying. i would never tell him this. he doesn’t even like the music i listen to, he’d probably be like “wtf is this shit” except minus the curse words because he doesn’t curse.

it used to be “Cosmic Love” by Florence + The Machine, and now it’s this. 

and oh god this is why i never have ever shown michael my poetry because i write it from like the depths of my being and i just attach so much to one goddamn poem and if he didn’t like it, it would be like he was crushing my spirit.

actually that’s why i never show anyone my poetry.

i feel like poetry is really intimate.

fuck this has gotten way longer than i intended.

but anyway. poetry is really intimate for me, and i just. i really like my poetry? but i feel like poetry is also something people derive their own meaning from when they read it. so if they read my poetry and derive the wrong meaning and then consequently misjudge me or my feelings or my character oh god i just get so anxious about this stuff.

does anyone else freak out about this stuff? i mean i’m okay with strangers reading my poetry because they don’t know me. but people i know? i feel like i would rather be seen naked then have them read my poetry.

UGH WHY.

what are all these run-on sentences? is this even real life?

i would really like to write more poetry. also i would like to draw more. 

fuck i would just like some artistic skills, please. especially the digital kind. or maybe some oil paints? i need an art class in my life, it is incomplete without one.